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i would like to dedicate it to all the mothers who have at one-time or another
questioned their abilities...regardless of what u think of urselves, u truely
are amazing. i would particularly like to dedicate this to my friend AB who
is in the midst of motherhood...u shine hunny.
**************
Title: Guidance
author: Logan Berry (loganberryx@yahoo.co.uk )
summary: Ro considers her inner being and that of a new life.
Rating/warning & pairing: Ororo POV - PG
Disclaimer: I do not own any rights to any Marvel Characters.
Feedback very welcome
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Mother Goddess,
So often I thank you for the wondrous gifts you have bestowed on me. They too
call me goddess, but I have no right to that claim. I smile with kindness at
their comments, I suppose it is a burden I have come to accept. But they do
not know what a burden it is or the mere mortal feelings I keep within me.
Of all your creatures, you have given ‘us’ - human and mutant -
the two most powerful gifts ever given. As with all life you have bestowed Instinct,
that most powerful of urges, the driving force for survival that never diminishes,
but with it you have set in opposition the one burden that makes us unique,
Emotion and a sense of morality; a compass of the heart that keeps in check
the overwhelming desire to exist at all costs. It is this opposition that makes
your most powerful of creatures your most fragile. Our bodies burn with an inner
strength and determination yet our minds fill us with love and joy, sorrow and
fear, hate and rage, quelling the flames or fanning them so that we twist and
turn in all directions, never truly following the straight path of our nature.
Each day my body tries to follow this path, each day I hope that my heart will
guide me away from the inner swirling flames of instinct that could so easily
consume me. Each day I thank ‘you’ that I have made it though another
battle.
All my life I have known that I carry the most powerful and awesome of gifts,
the power of the elements; the strength to destroy with a flash of lightning
and the rumble of thunder or the gentleness to bring forth new growth with the
softness of a rain shower and the golden beams of sunlight. But Mother Goddess,
I am finding that struggle harder and harder to overcome. As I give myself over
each day to do what my inner compass tells me is right and true, I wake each
morning to find that it has been burned away by the instinct of man.
And as I sit and think on that constant struggle my instinct is to flee; to
quit the field and let the inborn urge of man burn itself into dust or to join
myself to the rage and ride the straight path into oblivion. So many times Mother,
I have been at that precipice, looking down, wanting to let myself fall. But
something always pulls me back. Sometimes it makes my heart ache, but deep down
I feel relief and I go on fighting.
But today I looked at myself in the mirror and the precipice returned at my
feet. This time it was not the thought of fighting man, but of fighting myself.
I have had so many thoughts in my mind for so long, thoughts about my friends,
my family, my responsibilities, I had not, until now stopped to think about
myself. I stood there for such a long time looking at someone I barely remember.
I am 34 now Oh Bright-One, and for thirteen years I have, like a Bride of Christ,
followed my calling, given myself to the task of helping to build a safe and
caring world for others without thought for myself. But the white-haired and
coffee-skinned woman I saw before me suddenly cried out and I felt, I needed
to find her once more.
As a searched my inner being I found that it was my own instinct and emotion
that opposed each other and I am torn between them. I have thought for so long
now that I had all that I needed in my life; a loving home, wonderful friends,
a beautiful garden. But as I stood there my hand passed over my belly and I
could not stop myself from wondering. A child; the greatest most joyous gift
in all creation, a new life, born out of love and grace. My instincts tell me
that the need to bare fruit - to create another - is the most natural feeling
in the world. To pass on not only ones genes, but all the knowledge and wisdom
of generations long passed, to strengthen mankind’s existence. Yet my
emotions manifest; first love, the thought of cherishing that small life unconditionally,
of giving myself to its wellbeing and raising it surrounded by affection. And
then the fear comes, the fear of bringing a helpless child into this world with
all its hate and violence and uncertainty, the fear of being unable to protect
it from the world, the fear that its ‘own’ instincts might one day
overwhelm it.
It is like being pulled in a tug-of-war; instinct on one end and emotion on
the other, ripping me apart inside. How long I can bare it I do not know. Oh
Mother what do I do? How do I face this precipice? Your good grace and love
have always given me the strength to face anything, but this I cannot face alone.
They call me goddess; keeper of the elements, weather witch, how little they
know the frailty of my being.
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